Our Version of the Star Wars Afterlife
by skippersolo
Summary: READ & REVIEW! This is total CRACK so don't read if you don't like it! Since we don't like the REAL afterlife, we've decided to make our own.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

**A long time ago in a galaxy ****far****…oh, you know the deal.**

**We left our old friends back on ****Endor**** after the destruction of the Empire with the ****Ewoks****. After much celebration,**** 'special' incense,**** many annoying songs, and too many hangovers to count****, our heroes finally decided to get a life and start their new lives right where they were standing. Unfortunately there wasn't a house where they were standing, so it took a few arguments, some wood, nails, and paint to get it all done.**

**After a while Han and Leia decided that they wanted to get married.****It took a few more arguments, a bitch-slap fight between Han and Luke, an****d an**** all-out battle between Luke and Leia before Luke was officially kicked out. Luk****e, however, was not much of a builder. While Han and Leia had their nice, large, fancy house, Luke lean-to with some pretty, but still rocks-rocks. Leia, after a week and a half—and after Luke caught a nasty cold—took pity on her poor brother and ended up giving him his own wing. They were all satisfied, and the ****Ewoks**** were very happy that they were satisfied—at least for a while.**

**Sure, they had their down-times, their up-times, and maybe even some more bitch-slap fights, but things were pretty alright.**

**Then ****Luke realized he was**** getting old. He was nearly 28!**** Han was wondering what the hell he complaining about, because he was nearly 33, while Leia freaked out about wrinkles.**

**"You're ****only**** halfway to middle-age!****" was Han's exact wording. He was so furious he almost got into one of his rants again. The only thing that saved the poor ****Ewoks****' ears was his complete confusion at the insanity of the Skywalker twins. They just shook their heads sadly.**

**Anyway, they are all living peaceful, happy lives, communing with nature, and occasionally hitting one another with a Force-propelled rock. There are also the very few territorial wars between the ****Ewoks****. They were all too afraid of the crazy humans.**

**P.S. Chewbacca ****found ****two hot, female, twin ****Wookies**** and can't decide between them!**** This should be scary. After all, ****Wookies**** are animals….**


	2. The Apprentices

**DRAFT**

**Chapter One**

**THE APPRENTICES**

**"In time they **_**will **_**learn the ways of the Force."**

**Luke tried to explain to explain to Leia that he was indeed a good enough Jedi to have apprentices of his own. Leia, on the other hand, was concerned more about **_**who**_** his apprentices would be.**

**Back when she was a child on Alderaan, Leia had a friend named Gale. They have been in touch ever since their home planet was destroyed. Gale had been married long ago and had two fourteen-year-old twins: a gir****l and one very screwed-up boy. **

**Leia herself was terrified of the twins.**

**Their names were Emily and Evan, and they were both hyper-active and annoying. Emily was just another boy-crazy girly girl. Evan, on top of being nerdy, was a complete homosexual. You can tell mostly from his rather-feminine voice. The two kids together were nothing more than chaos, and it concerned Leia because they had signed up to do Jedi training with Luke. **

**"You do realize that we're twins too, right?" Luke asked. "You don't see people walking around commenting on how obnoxious and terrifying we are together, do you?"**

**Leia opened her mouth to speak. Before she could say anything, the doorbell rang. ****Leia rolled her eyes.**

**"Don't say I didn't warn you."**

**Luke watched as she walked into the next room. The doorbell rang three times more, and it sounded as if they were banging on it. Luke began to make his way toward the door. The noise of a light saber sounded, so he walked even faster. **

**Before Luke could reach the door handle, it swung open, ****slamming him behind it.**

**"Well, ****I ****guess the doors open!" said Emily. She and her brother barged through the doorway. ****Emily was dressed in pink and Evan was wearing purple. They were both ****short and ****blonde, and Luke immediately was able to tell this was going to be a nightmare.**

**"Where's our new master?"**

**Luke tripped over his own feet at the sound of Evan's voice. He nearly fell to the ground. It was so gay, anyone to first hear it was likely to have a heart attack.**

**"There he is!" Emily shouted. **

**"Yes, here I—"**

**Before Luke could finish his sentence, the twins jumped on top of him. Luke had no idea what they were doing, but then he realized one of them was sniffing something. He lifted Emily and gently placed her on the ground and then elbowed Evan in the stomach. He fell**** to the ground with a pretty lou****d thud.**

**"Let me guess, you two are Emily and Evan?" Luke asked.**

**They smiled and said at the same time, "Yes."**

**Luke looked away. "Not a shocker."**

**Emily looked him straight in the eye. Her goofy smile turned into a freakish grin. She finally said after a long period of staring, "And you are Master…"**

**"Luke."**

**Evan leaned over to his sister. "I think he should be Master Hot," he whispered loud enough for Luke to hear.**

**Emily looked at him with an angry expression. "Hey, I saw him first!" she yelled.**

**They both paused, looked at their master, and began bickering with each other. ****It lasted about two minutes before it began to really bother Luke.**

**"Alright!" he said. "That's enough. You kids are going to learn how to be sane if you want me as a master."**

**Emily and Evan stopped. **

**"I thought we were going to learn how to be Jedi Knights," Emily noted. Luke turned to her.**

**"Yes, but not unless you get control over yourselves."**

**Evan pulled his purple shirt over his eyes. **

**"I'm scared."**

**Luke looked at the gay coward and said, "We haven't even gotten started yet. You'll do fine, but no more bickering. Understand?"**

**"We understand, Master Luke," the twins said at the same time.**

**Emily pulled out her light saber and sawed a chair in half.**

**"Way to go, Emily!" Evan cheered. ****Luke used the force and swiped her light saber away, along with Evan's.**

**"Hey!" Emily said angrily.**

**"How did you do that?" Evan said in complete shock.**

**Luke tucked away the two light sabers. "It's called using the Force."**

**"The Force?"**

**Luke smiled and said, "You'll learn soon enough."**

**A couple minutes later, after watching the twins have their free time, Luke strapped them to a ch****air and went to look for Leia. She wasn't anywhere downstairs, and didn't answer to his calling. Luke went upstairs**** and found a note on her door. It read:**

**ON HIATUS**

**YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, LUKE**

**P.S. I WARNED YOU**

**Luke heard the chair he strapped Emily and Evan to fall over with a crash, followed by girly screams and hyena-like laugher. **_**This**_**, he thought to himself, **_**is just the beginning of what seems to be the biggest nightmare I'll ever encounter**_


	3. Monster Mash

**CHAPTER TWO**

**In Which They Are Bothered by Strange Happenings….**

**Luke had a horrible headache after a long day of training with Evan and Emily. The headache was mainly caused by more Force-propelled rocks coming from Evan. He had gotten much better with his Jedi ways. Now, if only he could apply those new skills toward his lessons instead of pranks.**

**Luke snapped out of his musings when he realized that the very large, very fang monster that his new students pissed off was still trying to eat him.**

**Nearby, Emily and Evan were running around in circles screaming random things. Luke knew he was still in trouble.**

**The monster came from behind spewing slime in all sorts of directions. It was scaly and slimy. Luke wondered where the hell this monster came from for they were on a forest moon, and how they twins managed to make it so angry it wanted to eat everything in sight—which included him.**

**With a sudden wave of bravery, Luke finally realized that he should turn around and fight the damn thing using all the courage he could muster from his shaking knees.**

**And, without another hesitant moment, Luke grabbed his light saber and ran toward the monster—screaming like a barbarian. The monster swatted him away like a horse fly. Luke went flying into a nearby boulder, knocking him almost unconscious. He looked up at the sky.**

**"Where are you, Jar Jar?" Luke said with eyes spinning around and around. He saw something other than the annoying camel-like person.**

**In the sky sat the ghosts of Anakin Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, and Yoda. They appeared to be drunk. Luke noticed they were laughing at him getting his ass kicked.**

**"You're not doing so well, young Skywalker," Yoda said without talking in his weird 'Yoda' accent. He began to cackle along with Anakin and Ben.**

**Ben laughed so hard no one could hear him. "You're useless without me!" he said in between breaths and laughs.**

**Anakin draped himself over Yoda's shoulders and started poking Yoda's cheek. "Hey…I just noticed –hic- you're GREEN!"**

**They all howled with insane laughter until Anakin began pulling at Yoda's robes.**

**"Are you green all the way down?" Anakin asked him, peeking down his clothes.**

**Everyone stopped. There is a very long, awkward silence while Luke decides he's doomed. The silence is suddenly broken.**

**Ben shouts, "BRING ON THE EXOTIC DANCERS!"**

**Everyone began cheering and laughing again...except for Luke course. While Anakin poured his 69th glass of vodka, the monster from before came crashing through Luke's little drunken dream cloud. He suddenly gained back his coherence.**

**Luke, despite the monster coming closer and closer towards him, noticed that his apprentices were actually shouting **_**useful **_**things. Well…once you get around all the other crap that's being tossed out there.**

**"Good gravy! The giant noodles are trying to take my peanuts!" Evan was shouting weird things, but along came: "MAKE IT EAT THE SMOKE BOMB!"**

**Emily was following the same pattern. "MASTER LUKE! I have a strange lepricon in my pants! USE THE FORCE AND GRAB HIS SMOKE BOMBS!**

**Luke gave them strange looks. "Well that's terribly perverted…"**

**He pinned the twins to the ground—using the FORCE—and strip-searched them. To the end of his days, Luke still had no idea how they got that many pointy things and other unfavorable or prank related objects on their bodies without there being very many bulges in extremely strange and awkward places.**

**(By the way, the twins were very excited about this strip search)**

**At last, after finding many strange and colorful things, Luke found some things that he hoped to God were the smoke bombs for he did not want anymore strip searches—especially because there was only one more place to look.**

**Luke dropped the smoke bombs because he 'knew' they weren't actually the right thing. Instead, he took up his light saber and began swinging it like a baseball bat….**

**….once more screaming like a barbarian.**

** After useless attempts to hack off one of the monster's toes, the quite colorful things that were supposed to be smoke bombs lit up from the ashes coming from Luke's light saber.**

**Indeed, they were smoke bombs, for they began to let out steam. Luke picked one up and then stopped.**

**"I have a bad feeling about this."**

**Within the next moment, the bomb exploded, spraying purple stuff and monster bits everywhere. This means Luke was covered in unidentifiable slime. He and the twins had to pick baked monster brains out of their hair for days.**


	4. Wishful Drinking

**(This chapter was inspired by Carrie Fisher's new book "Wishful Drinking")**

**Luke woke up the next morning to find himself lying on top of a giant rock with small scrapes covering his body.**

"**How the fuck did I get up here?"**

**  
He jumped off and looked around. No one in sight.**

**The last thing Luke remembered doing was raking the yard yesterday around five thirty. He couldn't remember anything past that, plus he had a horrible headache.**

**Whistling the Imperial March, he strolled casually back to the house. From the outside, he could hear techno music blasting from the stereo in the living room. Curiously, he opened the door.**

**The floor was covered in empty beer cans, vodka bottles, scattered party snacks, and confetti. Everyone—Including Leia, Han, Chewy, and the twins—were lying lifeless on the floor in different areas of the room.**

"**What the-" Luke was confused.**

**Leia sat up and started talking in Gibberish, then blacked out again, hitting her head against the hard floor. Han rolled over and murmured, "MMM… Obi-Wan… who knew a dead man could get so frisky… ?"**

**Luke walked over to Evan and snapped his fingers next to his face. No movement. He moved over to Emily and did the same.**

**All of a sudden Emily swung her foot in the air, kicking Luke in the face.**

"**Ahh!!!"**

**He stepped back and wiped the blood off his nose, then turned around and looked back at Emily. She was still lying on the floor with her eyes closed.**

"**Don't you think we're going… just a little… far… ? Oh Obi… Obi… wahh.. wahhh.. wannnnn…" Han moaned.**

**Luke got a bucket of cold water, poured it over Han's face, then slapped him as hard as he could. Han woke with a jolt.**

"**So… did you enjoy your stick fight, Luke?" he said, slurring his words.**

"**Stick fight?"**

"**Last night with Chief Chirpa. Don't you remember?"**

**Luke stared at him blankly for a moment. "I had a stick fight with Chief Chirpa?**

**Han smiled, "That bottle of Tequila sure did ya, kid."**

**Luke sighed regretfully.**

"**Fighting Ewoks is dangerous, you know. Those tiny suckers can pack a hard punch," Han laughed.**

"**I'm aware of that, thanks."**

"**Haha. You weren't last night, that's for sure."**

**Emily suddenly jumped to her feet. She pulled out her lightsaber and sawed the couch in half. "There's nothing better than early morning destruction!" she said cheerfully.**

**A bottle of Rohypnol fell ****out of her pocket. She blushed and snatched it up quickly.**

"**What is that?" Luke asked.**

"**Oh, don't mind it. It's just a date rape drug," she said. "You don't remember what happened last night by any chance, do you?"**

**Luke's eye began to twitch.**

"**I'll take that as a yes. The less you know, the better." She grinned then skipped away toward the kitchen.**

**Leia sat up again. "Where am I… ?**

"**You're in a galaxy far, far away…." Evan whispered, his eyes still closed.**

**Chewy growled.**


End file.
